I’m currently listening to a book called, It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, by Sheila Walsh. As I was listening today, she talked about having faith of a mustard seed and how much power that little bit of faith in God can have in your life. As she was talking, I thought about why I haven’t written or been consistent in writing a blog over the last year, and I think the biggest reason is because I am afraid. God has given me everything that I’ve wanted in a job in more. I have more than I ever thought I could want in a career and he’s opening up doors for me that I never even thought would be a possibility for me. I am setting goals for and pursuing things that never even crossed my mind in the past and I am excited about my career and my future. I know God put me where I am in my job and my career. He has opened every door, cleared every path for me to be where I am at today, and yet I can’t trust him. I fear that if I share my faith with my new co-workers and friends, that I might offend someone. Maybe someone will find out something about me they don’t like, or maybe, somehow my faith, blog, or past will come back to haunt me or come back to me in a negative way. Funny thing is, God loves me, and God put me there. I know that.
I’ve sat down many times over the last few months and started to write a blog. Or I have written a blog, but it is still sitting on my computer. I haven’t posted it or haven’t finished it because I’m afraid of what people are going to think what people are going to say. I’m afraid of offending someone or afraid that someone will find something out about my past. Which is really funny because, that’s why I started the blog in the first place, to share my past and to reach out to people. I keep going back to a previous conversation I had with a friend and that I wrote about where I said God’s got my back and if he takes my job from me, he’s got something better. I think it was easier to have that attitude at my last job because that was a negative environment for me, and I didn’t care if I lost my job anyway. I love my job now. I love where things are going, and I am scared to lose what I have. I don’t want to lose what I have, and I don’t even have faith of even a mustard seed to keep going, to follow through. I don’t trust God enough that if he provided this for me, he going to see it through. I know that it I don’t have to have “enough” faith or that I don’t have to be perfect. I know God loves me and an even through my lack of faithfulness and my struggle that is He there for me every step of the way.
I’m so so grateful for His grace. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and thank God for saving me! Every day I look back and I wonder where would I be if I was still Mormon? I can’t even I can’t even fathom or imagine where my life would be. I’m so grateful to him every day for taking me out of a belief system where I was taught, I had to do enough, be strong enough, or have faith enough. I will never reach that.
You would think when life is going right, you are at peace, and content, it would be easier to trust God. But I am learning that it’s not. God is definitely telling me to trust him, and I am more afraid than when I am in the midst of a storm. I don’t have faith enough, but I do have the faith of a mustard seed even though I am scared. I can believe that God is going to take care of me I can do it while I’m afraid.
So, I guess, this is a kind of renewal of my commitment to God and what He has called me to do. I think it is ok for me to be afraid. I need to share my faith, my story, and keep being me because the only one who really matters put me where I am now. I don’t know the future, I don’t know where things will go in my life and my career. What I do know that God keeps telling me “You need to keep doing your blog and you need to keep sharing”. I need to be proud of who I am and where I came from. I need to have just the faith of a mustard seed and trust in what God has already done in my life. I need to stand strong in God’s love and share my faith.
I’m Just a Small-Town Girl…trying to have faith of a mustard seed, even when I’m afraid.