I thought long and hard about not blogging this week. I feel like the past few months I have been struggling in every aspect of my life. I know when you are doing the things that God wants you to do the enemy will do whatever he can to stop you. But even when I talked to Brian about my blog this week we both agreed a break from it for a week would be good. God had a different plan.
I have been feeling that I need to write a blog about my purpose for writing my blog and the process. Events that happened this week made this more clear and when I woke up this morning God made it clear to me that I would be writing a blog today and I would be defining my purpose.
My original intent and purpose for this blog was to write about my journey out of Mormonism. I feel like my story of how God showed Himself to me and saved my from my chaotic life is amazing. The things I have learned about the lies and untruths I learned growing up in the Mormon faith are things I want to expose and I don’t want people to have to go through the same struggles I had.
I also have a handful of friends who are either agnostic or atheist. Some of them because of walking away from Mormonism and some of them because of other life experiences. I also want these friends to see what God is doing in my life and that I trust my God completely.
When I write my blog I never really know what words God is going to give me. I don’t ever know what direction my blog is going to take until I sit down and begin typing. Sometimes things will come up during the week and I will hold on to those thoughts and that is what I write about. Other times, I will hold on to those thoughts and God gives me a completely different direction.
This week I had a conversation with a friend who expressed concern about some of the things I write in my blog and that it isn’t private. My blog isn’t anonymous. My name is listed in my contact information. I have a Facebook page. The things I put in my blog are out there for the world to see. When I began writing I didn’t take this lightly. I thought about this a lot. I considered writing anonymously. I thought about my profession and the clientele I work with and I know that the information I put in my blog is out there for the world to see and can be used to hurt me. My response to this friend was “I trust my God”.
What’s interesting is after I left that conversation I thought about the struggles I have been having since I began writing. I know that I am being attacked on a spiritual level and the devil is fighting hard to get me to stop writing. I know God is reaching people through my blog. I am doing what God wants me to do. I had to stop and think… am I really trusting my God?
I realized I have been trying to fight a battle that I was never meant to fight. I was trying to be strong and hold it all together. When that isn’t what I was supposed to be doing. I was trying to fight back against forces I am not equipped to fight back against. I wasn’t trusting my God. I was trusting that I could do it. At the point I was so overwhelmed and frustrated the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns came on. I’ve heard it before but the lyrics just washed over me. I shared it on my blog that day. Some of the lyrics that hit me:
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
I needed to surrender everything to God and really trust that He was going to take care of me. I really loved the words “Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held”. I’m also listening to a Bible study on my commute to work and the day after I had this little revelation, the devotion talked about really having faith and trusting God. My God is a God of miracles. I have experienced those miracles. I know He will take care of me. It asks if there are things I have in my life that I don’t think will ever change and if there are mountains in my life that I don’t have for God to move. There are. There are things I haven’t turned over to God. There are things I haven’t been willing to trust Him with.
It was amazing how my perspective changed after I realized how much I was holding on to and trying to control. I appreciate the conversation I had with my friend because it brought so much perspective into so many things. I do trust my God. I have been called to share my story. I trust that through everything He will take care of me.
There are a few things that are consistent no matter what I write about. The first one, I never reread what I have written. I have always been this way. I am pretty self-critical and when it comes to my blog I want it to be what God has directed me to write. So I type it up and trust that it is what God wants me to write. I may reread parts of it, if there is something I need to fix but, for the most part, it is what it is. The other things I do, I always pray throughout the week and especially as I write that I am putting down what God wants me to put down. And when Brian proof reads it I always ask if it flows and makes sense and does it glorify God? And then, I silently pray again before I publish it.
I don’t write my blog to be malicious. I don’t hate Mormons or any other faiths. I don’t write because I want to get back at people or I want to hurt my family. I don’t get paid for my blog. I don’t know who reads or follows my blog. I want to use my story, my life, my experiences to help others make a difference in theirs. I want my Mormon friends to see they don’t have to live in a works based system. God has something more for them. I want my friends who don’t believe in God to know through my life and experiences that there is a God. To me, God is so real it baffles me that others don’t know Him. My sole purpose is to do what God has asked me to do.
I never thought writing a blog would be something I would do or enjoy. I never thought I would connect with people in the way that I have. It’s been amazing to me how therapeutic writing a blog has been for me. One of my favorite quotes is “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy– the experiences that make us most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” Brene Brown.
I am working on owning my story. It’s a lot easier to “be brave” and “face the darkness” when I have the Creator of the Universe on my side. Today, I am prepared. I have turned it all over to God. I keep thinking of the words form the song Oceans by Hillsong that say:
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
Today I can say, God take me deeper, make me stronger, I want to go where my trust has no borders. Today, I know He is in control. Today, I know he can move my impossible mountains.
I’m just a small town girl… called by God to write a blog.